Listen to Your Heart
by TwistedSky
Summary: Sometimes things happen that you don't expect, that rip your world apart-and you struggle to put that world back together again. Sometimes, when you least expect it, someone helps you put your world back together again, stronger than ever.
1. Chapter 1

First of all, I don't own TVD. Secondly, if you're curious, the second chapter of Cosmic Love will be up tomorrow. My tomorrow. Whatever that means. Also, the next chapter of this fic will be up tomorrow too. Yups. Enjoy!

XXXXX

Bonnie smiled, leaning in to kiss her boyfriend Jeremy. It felt strange, sometimes, that she was dating her best friend's kid brother. Except, it wasn't strange at all. It felt _nice._

She cared about him so much. It had taken some time to get used to her feelings, but she _finally_ had.

She was _happy._ They'd been together for six perfect months, and now they were beginning what would be a wonderful summer together.

She shook herself free of her reverie and looked up at the sky. "Jer, I love you, you know that right?" They were outside, just sitting outside on a blanket in the grass.

"I love you too," he said softly, smiling. "Something wrong?"

Bonnie sighed, "You're sitting on my purse," she replied. She fought the desire to giggle. She lost. "Sorry, Elena and I are having lunch, and I kind of need my keys."

"Now?"

"Now. Sorry. As much as this impromptu sky-gazing was fun . . . I have to meet your sister."

"I'm going to be big here and not complain, but I do want a day for just the two of us. Soon."

Bonnie smiled, and kissed Jeremy on the cheek before quickly jumping up. "Do you want a ride?"

"I'd love one," he stood up, grabbing her bag and handing it to her. "What is it with girls and purses anyway?"

Bonnie raised an eyebrow. "That's one of those questions that if I answered . . . I'd have to kill you. Girl code of honor."

"No way, I thought that was a myth," he joked. "Anyway, let's go, it feels like there's going to be a summer storm or something."

Bonnie looked up at the sky. "No, we're fine. The weather is perfect."

Jeremy looked at her strangely. "I have a feeling."

Bonnie rolled her eyes, "In the car, doofus." She grabbed her car keys and opened the door, pausing momentarily.

She kind of felt that feeling herself, but she wasn't sure what it was. She shook her head and got inside. She'd worry about it later.

XXXX

Bonnie wasn't sure when she lost control—but the sky darkened, and it started to rain, and she jokingly teased Jeremy about how he'd wanted to go out to the middle of nowhere to have a that day he'd been so excited. He'd just perked up, "Let's go," and they'd just driven for a while, just because they could.

But now—suddenly it almost felt like she'd completely lost control despite herself. She fleetingly thought that she really ought to have been capable to stop it magically, but when she tried she seemed blocked—something she would later chalk up to fear.

They crashed moments later, and Bonnie felt everything turn to black.

XXXX

"I love you," Jeremy said. He sat next to her bed, holding her hand. "Wake up, Bonnie."

Bonnie opened her eyes. "Jeremy?" she asked cautiously. Everything was bright, and she blinked. "I love you too."

Jeremy smiled down at her. "Hey," he squeezed her hand. "You're okay."

Bonnie smiled slightly. "And so are you. I'm sorry, I just—I lost control."

Jeremy's smile disappeared at that. "I'm sorry."

Bonnie narrowed her eyes. "Why are you sorry? I'm the one who should be sorry, Jeremy."

_"Wake up, Bonnie,"_ Jeremy said again.

XXXX

Bonnie's eyes opened quickly and suddenly. She'd felt like everything was swirling, and the brightness of the hospital had dimmed and she was in a dark hospital room. She heard the beeping of the machines around her. She felt confused, unsure.

Something was wrong.

She felt tears slide down her cheeks, and she wasn't really sure. She felt a little weak, but not as weak as she thought she might of felt considering that she'd just been in a car accident.

A car accident that was her fault, she realized. She'd just . . . lost control.

She shook herself free of that thought and looked around, just then noticing the sleeping body of Caroline in the chair next to her bed.

Bonnie carefully tried to undo the equipment that she was plugged into. "Don't—" she heard.

"Caroline—" Bonnie started slightly. "You scared me."

Caroline smiled weakly and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly. "You scared me. You scared us."

Bonnie didn't smile back. "I need to see Jeremy."

Caroline's face fell, and then Bonnie realized she'd been crying. _Crying-_crying. "Bonnie—"

Bonnie started to breathe heavily. "I need to see him now. Where's Elena? Is she with him? Is he okay? How did—"

Caroline placed a hand on her friend's shoulder, looking into her eyes. "Bonnie—I think you should go back to sleep."

Bonnie started to cry heavily at that. "I want to see Jeremy. Now."

Her anger seemed to _pop_ at that, causing one of the machines near her to emit smoke and a noise that told Caroline that the hospital was definitely going to replace _that._

"Bonnie," Caroline tried to say calmly through her own tears. "Damon found you guys in the car—" her voice caught on the words. "And, you were almost dead. He just. He gave you blood to strengthen you, because you were—" Caroline looked down at her hand in Bonnie's. "You almost died. But Jeremy—"

Bonnie shook her head vehemently. "No."

Caroline just nodded through her tears. "Bonnie—he's dead."

At that Bonnie screamed. She pinched herself. She wept openly and freely. She curled into a ball, and Caroline just crawled into the bed with her, holding her. "Bonnie, I'm so sorry," Caroline cried with her. "But you need—you need to rest. You need to—" Caroline realized that the last thing Bonnie wanted to do was sleep. The last thing _she _wanted to do was sleep, and it had been two days since—since—"Sleep," Caroline finished, pushing that thought from her mind. "I'm so sorry."

Bonnie didn't want to go to sleep. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

But this wasn't that sort of nightmare.

This was real.


	2. Chapter 2

Bonnie woke up the next morning to the muttering of people around her. Caroline was still there, fiercely arguing with someone right outside her door. Bonnie couldn't see who, but she couldn't recognize the voice either, because he—she was sure it was a he—was fairly non-committal and her head was still foggy.

She saw Caroline wave away the person and sigh, turning to see that Bonnie had reopened her eyes. Caroline seemed to sadden even more than she already had. "Bonnie, are you okay?"

Bonnie narrowed her eyes. "I dreamt that I was in a car crash, which from the sight of things actually happened, then I dreamt that you told me that—" her voice caught. "Jeremy died, and from the look on your face, that happened too," she said softly.

Caroline tilted her head, sitting down next to her. "I'm so sorry, I wish there were something I could do."

Bonnie sighed. "Where's Elena? She must be devastated, she needs me."

Caroline's face shuttered at their friend's name. "Matt is being Matt, but he sent flowers," Caroline motioned to the lilies to the left of Bonnie's bed. "Damon is being broody and weird, but he, um, saved your life, so I thanked him. Because I need you, Bonnie Bennett." Caroline smiled slightly, but it wasn't very heartfelt, though her words were. "I wish there were something I could say or do that would . . . not make this okay, but help. But there isn't."

Caroline looked like she was barely holding herself together. "Jenna is a mess, but she has Alaric, so she seems, well, not okay, but maybe . . . she's not alone." Caroline sighed. "Stefan is trying to help Elena through this, but it—it isn't really helping." Caroline seemed reluctant to keep talking about Elena, which Bonnie read easily, because they _were_ best friends.

"Oh my god." Bonnie seemed shocked. "She blames me."

Caroline jumped at that, and Bonnie knew it was true. "No, she doesn't."

"She does, and she has every right to. It's my fault." Bonnie struggled to keep in her tears, but she couldn't, and they rolled down her cheeks.

"She doesn't." Caroline seemed insistent. "She's upset. But that makes sense, because Jeremy—Jeremy didn't deserve that. Jeremy—he's her brother, Bonnie," Caroline felt helpless, and she was still heartbroken, and she didn't know what to say, and she just—"I don't know what to say. She won't get over it, but I don't think she really blames you. She just—she needs someone to blame. Stefan is trying to talk her into seeing you, but she barely wants to leave the house."

Bonnie was just lying there, on the bed, and she felt like she couldn't move.

She felt—achy. She felt alone, and she hurt, and she felt guilty and tired and just—"It's my fault." Bonnie said softly.

"No," Caroline said firmly, as if she believed what she was saying, which Bonnie appreciated more than she could ever express. Caroline stroked her friend's cheek. "It's not."

Bonnie recoiled from the touch, closing her eyes and trying to breathe.

"Bonnie?" Caroline asked tentatively. "I love you."

"I love you too, Caroline." Caroline just sat there, holding Bonnie's hand as she drifted off to sleep.

XXXX

The funeral was hard.

All funerals are hard—there's a weight, a heaviness that you can't lift, a grief you don't _want_ to let go of. You feel the pain, but there's a part of you that doesn't even care whether you feel the pain. You just want the person back.

That was exactly how Bonnie felt. She felt itchy. She felt uncomfortable in her skin, as if she had no idea how to deal.

Bonnie felt alone, although Caroline was right by her side.

When Bonnie placed a rose on top of Jeremy's coffin, she felt the tears flow freely.

She listened as the pastor talked about things that she hadn't wanted to think about—not now. She'd been in love—she still _was_ in love. She wasn't ready for this.

She wasn't ready to lose Jeremy, and neither was the world.

No one deserved this.

Bonnie watched in silence as Elena and Jenna wept, their grief beyond containment, and Bonnie simply let her tears fall.

Bonnie barely noticed when Tyler walked up to her and hugged her awkwardly. Tyler, who had been gone for months. She noticed slightly when Caroline stared at him in shock, as if she weren't sure at all what to do with his presence.

Bonnie, however, knew her friend, and there was a part of her that wanted to be alone, so she spoke softly. "You guys should talk. I'll see you later," and she stalked off toward Elena, because she had to do _something._

She left Tyler and Caroline staring at each other, unsure how to heal the brokenness of their friendship—a friendship that had never fully developed, a friendship that had never developed into more, but still had that chance.

She and Jeremy—_they_ wouldn't be going anywhere.

Bonnie felt the sharp pain of that—which hadn't yet started to numb, and it felt like her heart was physically broken.

She walked up to her best friend, and Elena seemed almost to glare at her.

"Elena, I—" she started.

Elena cut off her words with a simple slap.

Bonnie just stood there in shock.

"You don't get to say anything," Elena said angrily. "You don't get to say you're sorry. Because you were driving, you should have—you should have saved him. You shouldn't have—It should have been you," Elena said finally—although she looked like she regretted the words instantly.

Stefan looked at Elena in surprise, and hugged her to him, "Elena, you don't mean that."

"I do," Elena replied. "I do." She stalked away at that, leaving Stefan and Bonnie staring after her.

Stefan turned to Bonnie. "It isn't your fault."

Bonnie just stood there, feeling her world fall apart. "Maybe it is."

"It isn't," Stefan repeated. "It isn't." He stared after Elena and Bonnie realized that he wanted to run after her.

"Just go," Bonnie said blankly. "Just go. She needs you. Be there for her."

Bonnie watched as Stefan nodded at her then ran after his beloved.

His beloved.

Bonnie had never called Jeremy her beloved before. She'd never—maybe she should have.

Bonnie looked around, as if somehow she could make sense of this world.

She couldn't.


	3. Chapter 3

This fic is about to take a surprising turn, but I promise that I have indeed thought out _why_ the next few chapters happen the way they do. That's all I'm going to say. Thanks for all of the lovely reviews! Enjoy!

XXXXXX

Drinking, Bonnie discovered quickly, dulled the pain.

She wasn't surprised by her weakness—though she didn't intend to let this become a regular occurrence. Just for now, she assured herself. Just this one time in fact, she intended to drink until not just the pain went away, but everything went away.

She didn't want to be her own personal pity party, but it did _hurt_. It ached like a part of her heart had been torn out ruthlessly, leaving behind in its place pure carnage.

Jeremy had been the first person she'd ever really felt that way about before. There had been crushes, yes, but no one like Jeremy.

She didn't know if her heart could heal from something like this—and she couldn't imagine ever really wanting it to.

She gulped down more vodka—questioning briefly why this alcohol was her decision, and then barely remembering that her father liked it occasionally—but he was out of town, so that was besides the point.

She was alone, completely.

She needed people—she decided through a slightly alcohol-induced haze. She wasn't sure why, but she did.

She didn't want to be alone.

XXXX

She may have only been eighteen—ready to turn nineteen in a few months, to head off to college, to live a life that no longer seemed worth it to her—but a little witchy voodoo, and the fact that everyone knew about her loss made getting the bartender to serve her easy.

She did a shot and felt the burn, and with it the numbing seemed to almost intensify—like the emptiness inside of her was beginning to throb.

She got up, still rather coherent, but definitely dazed and lightheaded.

She headed outside, bumping into a rather cute guy, who hit on her—and she wondered briefly whether she'd ever even met him, then decided that if she hadn't that was even better.

But when he started to kiss her, she pushed him away, but his insistence kind of started to scare her. She pushed him away again when he grabbed for her. "No," she said simply.

"Why not?" The guy said, smiling at her, terrifying her even through her drunken haze.

"The lady said no," she heard a voice when the stranger grabbed for her again.

Her head shot up at about half her normal reaction time. "Damon?"

Damon didn't smile charmingly or crack a joke, just pulled the guy toward himself and looked into his eyes. "When a lady says no, she means no, and you stop, got it?" He used compulsion, obviously, but Bonnie couldn't bring herself to think that that was a bad idea under the circumstances.

He pushed away the guy and turned to Bonnie. He stared at her as if he could see into her soul—a random thought that she couldn't quite understand, and she didn't get much time to contemplate as he lifted her up into his arms, and sped her home.

He set her carefully on her doorstep, waiting as she fumbled with her keys.

"Thank you," she said, after opening the door. "For this. And for—for everything."

Damon just nodded solemnly. He listened for a moment. "Are you alone?" He didn't seem concerned, just curious.

Bonnie nodded her head much like a sleepy child, until her head felt so heavy it felt like it might roll off. "Yeah."

He just stood there at that. "Elena needs you."

"She hates me, as she should." Bonnie leaned against the doorframe, staring at Damon as if she'd never really seen him before.

Damon shook his head. "No. No, she shouldn't. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault, or her fault, or his fault. It happened. Things happen. People die," he shrugged slightly as if to say it didn't mean anything, but the slight pain on his face told her that he did feel something—something that kept Bonnie from raging at him, along with everything else that seemed to hang around them in the very _air_.

"I don't know if I can do this," Bonnie heard herself say in surprise.

"You have to," he replied. "Jeremy and I—he was a bit like a dog. He followed me around, idolized me. But he was a good guy."

Bonnie narrowed her eyes. "He was not like a dog."

"A cute, happy dog," Damon said, trying to make it sound better, but only really making it sound worse.

Bonnie giggled slightly—a drunken, _my heart is breaking all over again_ sort of giggle. She stopped abruptly and stared at him. "I'm not asking you in because I want to have sex with you," she said suddenly.

Damon stared at her in surprise, as if he'd completely lost track of who she was and what was going on in the world.

She continued. "I don't want to be alone. Please come in?"

If she hadn't been drunk she might not have done it, if she hadn't felt so _sad_ she might not have done it, but in the end she was drunk and she was sad, and he was being nice to her.

"Okay," he said simply.

She stepped backward, into her home. And although she'd already just invited him in, she said it again. "Come in."

He stepped in. "Okay," he said again, but this time it was a different kind of okay.

This was an okay that changed something. This was an okay born of pain and loneliness—which they both felt.

This was an okay because things _weren't_ okay.

XXXX

Bonnie stared at Damon, unsure of what came next. She just stared at him until he didn't look like _Damon _anymore.

She grabbed the half empty bottle of vodka nearby and took another drink, not even wincing at the burn, then handed it to Damon.

"You need sleep," Damon said strangely.

"No I don't."

"Yes you do," he picked her up at that, then simply asked, "Bedroom?"

She sighed, giving up easily. "Upstairs to the left."

He carried her carefully up the stairs, then opened the door with one hand, stepped forward, and set her carefully on the bed.

For some strange reason—one he didn't really want to think about because he was pretty drunk himself—he felt the desire to tuck her in, so he started to do so.

But then she grabbed his jacket from the front and just stared at him, and they were so _close_ and suddenly Bonnie was pulling him down to her, pressing her lips against his.

"We shouldn't do this," he said.

"Probably not," she said, before kissing him again.

"I should go."

"Stay," she said.

At that he pressed her down to the bed and all bets were off.


	4. Chapter 4

Warning: sexytimes.

XXXXXX

Bonnie slid her arms around Damon's neck, slightly unsure of herself, but every thought of regret and guilt disappeared at the instant at which she felt his lips land on her throat and he pressed her back against the bed.

There was a dullness in her mind—an inability to think of anything outside of the moment.

She rolled over on top of him, straddling him with her legs as she pulled her dress off quickly, and went straight to work on unbuttoning his pants, pulling them harshly down as he sat up, pulling off his jacket quickly.

And suddenly they were nearly naked, except for Bonnie's bra and panties. Her head dropped down to his, catching his lips in a firey sort of _need._

She'd never felt like she needed someone this much before—like she needed him inside of her—she could practically _feel_ him inside of her already and she was _aching_ for it.

He slipped his fingers up—so quickly she didn't even process that he was doing it until they were sliding along her slit, but not quite touching her clit.

She gasped at the sensation, and pulled away for a moment, giving him just enough opportunity to get her on her back, and unhook her bra with one hand.

As he slowly sent bursts of pleasure throughout her body with every delicate movement _back_ and _forth,_ she arched against the bed, grasping her bedspread with her hands as he lowered his mouth to her left breast and nuzzled it briefly before flicking his tongue against it, suckling it.

At that she gave up all pretenses of shame, and her arms went around his back, pulling him down onto her, and reaching down to touch _him_.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he warned, his voice dark and raw.

Bonnie smirked and leaned slightly to whisper in his ear, "I want you inside of me," she said, her voice raspy and raw with need.

"That—" Damon said as he poked a finger inside of her, swirling it around to make sure she was as ready and wet as he needed her to be, causing her to moan and clamp her hands into his shoulders painfully, "I can arrange."

He lowered her lips onto hers as he removed his hands—causing Bonnie to feel annoyingly empty, though only for a moment since he then entered into her surprisingly quickly, causing her to emit a bit of an . . . _oomph._

_"_So wet," he said, smiling. "I fit right in."

Bonnie giggled slightly because of the ridiculousness of it all.

"Do you think it's funny?" His eyes went dark, and he trailed his teeth along her neck, not quite breaking her skin.

She shuddered slightly as he began to move inside of her.

"Do you?" He asked again, going painfully slow, sliding in and out seemingly with every breath she took.

Her heart seemed to be beating out of her chest as she whispered slightly, "No—"

She gasped as he started to slide with the beat of her heart—racing out of her chest as she approached her orgasm.

He stopped briefly though, and she almost screamed with frustration. "What?"

She turned her head slightly to see him struggling not to bite into her neck. "It's okay," she said. "I don't mind." Weirdly, she didn't. But it was rather sweet, actually, that he cared enough not to do it.

_Damon _and _sweet _were two things that were _not_ supposed to go together. She suddenly snapped back into reality.

This was bad. This was _really_ wrong.

She started to sob, _loudly._

"Bonnie—" He sighed. "This was a bad idea."

She just kept crying, her tears rolling down her face as she wept. She turned her head to the side, unable to meet his eyes.

"Bonnie—" he said her name again. He closed his eyes and tried to focus in on her and not the fact that he was _inside of her_. He pulled away slightly, though he was still inside of her, and didn't think he could undo that yet. He stroked her cheek slightly with his thumb, nudging her head around to look into her eyes. "This is my fault. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

Bonnie just cried harder. "I—we were so happy."

"I know," He rolled them onto their sides, so that they were staring at each other, and he hugged her body to him.

"But we—I loved him."

He stroked her back, and her hair. "I know."

"He was there for me, you know?" She tried to breathe. "He made me happy. He made everything so easy, and he just—it should have been me. I should have died."

"No, you shouldn't have," he said firmly.

She tried to pull away from him, gasping as he finally slid out of her, and hated herself for still wanting him. She sat up.

He sat up with her, pulling her towards him, easily overcoming her attempts to push him away. "I'm here for you."

"Why?" she asked. "Why?"

Damon didn't have answer to that, but it didn't matter.

They just sat there, Damon holding Bonnie's naked body to his own until they knelt back on the bed, until Bonnie finally fell asleep.

XXXX

The next morning Bonnie woke up alone in her bed.

She stretched, felt a little hungover.

Then she remembered the night before, and her breath caught. She looked down at herself, and realized she was naked, and soon after realized that she'd kind of had sex with Damon Salvatore.

She headed to the shower, turning it on and stepping in, letting cold water beat down onto her body, and she leaned against the wall slightly, just feeling incredibly tired.

When she stepped out minutes later, barely getting through all of the motions, her breath caught in her throat as she laid eyes on Damon. "I thought you'd left."

He just tilted his head to the side, just to indicate that, well, he hadn't.

He stepped forward, and she noticed he had a towel. He patted at her body, and she felt like a child. Finally, he pulled a t-shirt over her head, and she limply fell against him.

Realizing what she'd done, she stood up quickly, pulling away from him. He handed her a cup. "Drink, it's a hangover cure, the best one any human has ever come across."

Bonnie smiled slightly, too weak to do anything more than take the glass and sip it. "Thank you."

He let her finish the drink before taking the cup and setting it aside on the edge of her sink, and picking her up in his arms, causing her to squeal loudly and slap at him.

She suddenly felt wide awake. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

He didn't answer, just took her to the kitchen, deposited her at the kitchen table and placed a plate of food in front of her. "Eat," he said firmly, as if he would accept no arguments.

"I'm not—"

"Eat," he said again, lifting up a finger and smiling slightly at her before sitting down and drinking from a cup of coffee.

"I need coffee—" she stared him down.

"No, you don't. You need fruit and oatmeal, and a glass of orange juice," he placed the juice in front of her and she wrinkled her nose.

She was not happy.

"I want coffee."

She contemplated giving him a headache and stealing his, and realized that that wouldn't be very nice.

He'd been kind to her—something she'd seriously needed.

"No." He said firmly.

She glared at him, and drank her orange juice. "Thank you," she said eventually. "For everything. For—saving me. For being here for me now. I've never given you any reason to do so. You hate me, so I really appreciate it."

"I don't hate you," Damon said suddenly, interrupting her train of thought.

"What?" She narrowed her eyes. "We're not exactly the best of friends."

"True," He said, taking a sip of his coffee, and making her want to throw something at him for not continuing. "But it's more complicated than that, witch."

"So why did you do it?"

Damon looked away, refusing to meet her eyes. "Elena and Stefan asked me to go check on you two when you didn't show up to meet her. And Jeremy—he was dead. And you were just there, still wrapped in the seat belt, and you were almost dead. I knew at that moment that I couldn't let you die. Not just because Elena would never let it go, but because when I came to town I made a lot of mistakes, and you deserved an apology, and apology that I've never given to you."

Bonnie raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Damon nodded slightly. "A few months ago we saved Elena, beat Klaus, and Katherine disappeared. Do you remember what her last words to us all were?"

Bonnie didn't even have to try to remember. "It's finally over. I'm free."

Damon sighed at that. "When she said that, I didn't even know how to feel. She's free, but I'm not. It felt like something finally clicked in my head, and I realized that I needed to make things right. Caroline, Jeremy, Elena, Stefan, Alaric—and so many other people deserved better than I gave them. And you were next on my list. And then—then Jeremy died, and I knew how to fix it."

"You were going to have pity sex with me?" Bonnie felt incredibly offended, and rather _hurt._

Damon looked at her at that. "No. That's not what that was about. I promise you that that was not what that was about."

The way his piercing eyes seemed to stare right into her soul made her believe him. "Okay," she said simply, biting into the last fresh strawberry on her plate.

She fought off a shiver when she realized what she was doing and how he was looking at her.

She pushed back from the table and stood up, nearly falling over, but suddenly Damon was there, helping her stand up straight.

She looked up into his eyes, and saw in his what was mirrored in her own. And suddenly she was pushing him against the wall, jumping slightly and wrapping her legs around his hips and her arms her tightly around his neck, and she was kissing him, _hard._

And then suddenly Damon was pushing her onto the kitchen table, and everything else was falling off the table, and he was pulling off his pants, and he was readily inside of her, pumping into her.

She felt herself approaching release at the same time he was, and she screamed into his neck, and he bit down on hers—and she swore she heard a symphony playing and saw stars twinkling behind her eyelids. As wave after wave of orgasm reverberated through her body, she let her fingernails clench into his back, and fell back against the table.

She breathed heavily as he pulled away. "I'm sorry," he said, retracting his teeth. "I lost control."

"I'm okay," she said, staring up at him. "I'm okay."

She blinked in confusion.

"We should—"

"Do that again," Bonnie suggested playfully. "Soon?"

Damon stared down at her in surprise. "Really?"

Bonnie didn't even really think about it. "Yes."

She waited for his answer, and felt his silence fill the room. Then she felt him slide back into her, this time more slowly, and felt his fingers whisper against her clit, and she moaned.

He leaned down to whisper into her ear, "I think I can do that."


	5. Chapter 5

The next day hit Bonnie and Damon pretty hard.

"Oh crap." Bonnie sat up in bed. "I'm a terrible person."

"Would you like to be terrible with me again?" Damon asked.

Bonnie whacked his arm. "No. No, I don't. I can't believe I had sex with you."

"Five times," Damon pointed out.

Bonnie stood up at that, looking around her room, holding her head. "I can't believe I just did that."

"What's wrong?" Damon asked, no longer joking around.

"My boyfriend died less than two weeks ago, and I just had sex with someone I've hated for a really long time."

Damon nodded. "This is a valid point."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Bonnie started to pace. "But nothing makes sense anymore. All my emotions are all swirling around, and I don't know what's wrong with me. But when you kissed me, it felt . . . good. And I just—nothing hurt. I'm a terrible person." Bonnie buried her hands in her hair. "I can't believe—I'm a terrible person. I'm just. I don't deserve to live."

"Bonnie," he appeared suddenly in front of her, holding her head in his hands. "You are not a terrible person. You are a person in a lot of pain, who I took advantage of. This isn't your fault." He sighed. "It's mine. So if you want to blame someone, blame me."

Bonnie stared at him. "I don't know—I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel . . . different. I just. I need to go."

"This is your house."

"I know. You need to go." Bonnie was obviously flustered, desperately needing him to just _leave._

He leaned down, kissing her softly, and she swore she was going to die from this kindness of his.

But then he was gone, and she dropped down onto her bed and cried herself back to sleep.

XXXX

Two days later Bonnie was packing when Caroline knocked on her front door.

Bonnie looked around. "Damn."

She'd expected to be done before Caroline showed up. She opened her door and smiled. "Hi."

Caroline tilted her head to the side. "You seem happy." It wasn't accusatory, it was just a simple statement of fact.

"I'm not. Not really. I feel this pain—" Bonnie pointed to her heart. "But sometimes I can't feel anything at all. I can't handle my emotions, I feel like I'm spinning out of control, like I'm back and forth and all over the place." Bonnie just stood there, trying not to cry, as Caroline stepped forward and enveloped her in a hug.

"I'm sorry, I know."

Caroline looked behind Bonnie and saw suitcases. "What's going on?"

Bonnie hesitated. "I'm leaving."

Caroline pulled away and looked into her eyes. "Please don't. I can't—I need you to stay."

Bonnie started to pace around her kitchen, cleaning as she went. "I slept with Damon."

"_What?"_ Caroline practically yelled. "How did that happen? When did that happen?"

Bonnie sighed, sitting down. "I just. I ran into him, and it just happened. Multiple times."

"Oh god." Caroline seemed genuinely shocked.

"You hate me now, don't you?" Bonnie buried her head in her hands. "I just. When he touched me, when his arms were around me . . . I felt peaceful."

"Maybe you're having a hero's syndrome thing. He saved your life, and now you're pushing those feelings onto him."

"I don't have feelings for him." She didn't. She blinked. She didn't think so. "I love Jeremy."

"Jeremy—Jeremy is dead."

Bonnie sighed. "I know."

Caroline sat down next to her. "I'm sorry."

"I am too. It's why I'm leaving. No one wants me here anymore."

"I want you here," Caroline placed her hand on her friend's back.

Bonnie turned to look at her, lifting her head. "I—I'm sorry. I've just been so confused. I forgot—how are you?"

Caroline smiled sadly. "I get it. I do. And—I don't blame you for being distracted, no one does."

Bonnie sighed. "Maybe you should."

Caroline shook her head. "Never. Everything's been so surreal for the past few days. It's like. Nothing makes sense anymore. Elena's lost her mind in her grief, Jenna—Jenna's pregnant. She and Alaric don't even know how to handle that."

Bonnie looked at her in shock. "Wow."

"Yeah, wow. And Tyler—"

Bonnie didn't say anything, she just waited for Caroline to say what was on her mind. "I love him," Caroline said. "When Matt and I ended things, it was right. And when Matt told me that Tyler said he'd been falling in love with me, I honestly didn't know how to react. But then I searched everywhere I could think of for Tyler, and I couldn't find him. And now he's back. And it's only been a few days, but I don't even know what I want anymore. Except him."

Bonnie sighed. "Have you told him that?"

Caroline shook her head. "No. We talked about everything except that. I just. I'm so afraid."

Bonnie leaned against her friend, and felt Caroline rest her head on top of hers. "Tell him. Because it isn't worth not telling him."

"I know. But I just—"

"Tell him," Bonnie said again.

XXXX

Bonnie placed the last of her things in her car and looked around one last time.

She breathed deeply, closed her eyes, and tried to envision being free of Mystic Falls for a while. She reopened her eyes and got into her car, closing the door.

She turned on her car, backing out of the driveway and getting onto the road.

As she drove through town she hoped no one would notice the suitcases in her backseat. Finally, she got out of Mystic Falls and tears started to roll down her cheeks. She kept driving, and started to notice that the sky was darkening, and then it started to rain.

It was strange—just like that day when Jeremy—she started to think of Jeremy.

Flashes of that day, of the days since, of the night of the ritual, of the day she first met Damon, of the day she first met Elena—she felt her brain almost seemed to overload.

Suddenly she was approaching someone on the road, and she was too close to stop—he'd appeared out of nowhere.

It was Jeremy.

"Wake up, Bonnie," she heard.

And everything went to black.

XXXXXX

Yes, I'm hanging my head in shame.


	6. Chapter 6

Next chapter up tomorrow, it's already written! Anyways, sorry this took so long, got distracted by life/a writing project.

XXXX

Bonnie opened her eyes and didn't have any idea where she was.

Everything was dark, and as she looked around she noticed that she was hooked up to some weird machine.

She looked around carefully. She tried to disconnect herself from the machine she was hooked up to, but she couldn't get the little metallic things to let go of her skin.

She closed her eyes and concentrated for a moment, and they finally let go.

She silently sighed with relief—it was in essence a sigh, and that was all that mattered.

She carefully got off of the hospital bed-ish thing she'd been lying on, after realizing that the restraints that had been holding her to it had seemingly let go.

"I really had expected that to last longer," she heard a voice behind her and she spun around quickly.

"Who are you?"

The beautiful, dark-skinned woman smiled. It was a scary sort of smile, and familiar one. "I'm Greta."

Bonnie couldn't control the gasp that she let out at that moment. "Klaus said he'd killed you."

Greta smiled brightly at that. "I'm the failsafe. In case he failed, I was set up to make sure to bring him back."

Bonnie tilted her head, "So what do I have to do with that?"

Greta narrowed her eyes. "You can't guess? I need inside your head. My dad was a powerful warlock, you know," she seemed angry as she said the words. "And I took after him, until Klaus met me, and changed everything."

Bonnie's eyes widened. "You think he told me more than just how to kill Klaus. Then what was all of that? Why did you—I don't even understand what's real and what isn't anymore."

Greta shrugged. "You boyfriend is dead. But beyond that—I just played create-a-world. It was fun," the simple way with which she said it sent shivers down Bonnie's spine.

"Why did—why did I dream I was—" She couldn't say it.

"With Damon?" Greta bit her lip slightly, as if she were unsure whether she wanted to tell her, then she shrugged. "It was easy. You and he have unresolved . . . issues. And when I tapped into _your_ psyche, I managed to tap into others too, through your shared pain." Greta smiled, proud of her plan.

She continued, "For instance, were you ever to see Damon again, he'd probably tell you that he's been having sexy little dreams about you. And Elena would tell you that she blames you, but not as much as you think she does. That was her first reaction, you know? And more importantly _you_ blame yourself. And that was easy to tap into. And little Miss Vampire Barbie and werewolf boy are in love, right? It's all partially real. And the fact that they're so freaked out that they can't_ find_ you makes it incredibly easy to manipulate them into your dreams."

"And you're telling me all of this now because you found out how to bring Klaus back?" Bonnie was trying to process everything, and not having much success.

"Because I can't. Jeremy's spirit is refusing to cross over, and he's messing up everything, and you have a stronger mind than anyone gives you credit for," Greta nodded her approval. Then she frowned. "But I need you to cooperate with me."

Bonnie stepped backward. "Never."

Greta smiled evilly—and Bonnie realized she'd lost her mind. She'd been so corrupted by Klaus it was terrifying. "I thought you might say that." Greta walked closer, and grabbed Bonnie's hair, pulling her down, and leaning down to say softly, "I will kill everyone you love, not just your little Jer-bear. Do you hear me?"

Bonnie just glared back.

"Do you understand?" Greta asked sweetly.

Bonnie pulled back her fist and punched Greta in the face, causing her to fall over onto the floor, grabbing at her face.

"Listen, bitch." Bonnie stared down at her. "No one plays with my head, kills my boyfriend—" she felt her voice catch at that—"And gets away with it."

Greta glared at her, standing up and staring at her.

Bonnie waited for Greta to throw some magical sort of punch at her, but instead the woman ran right for her, pushing her backwards onto the floor.

Bonnie grabbed Greta's hair and pulled, _hard. _ "Oh, please."

Greta's nails then clamped down on Bonnie's neck. Bonnie felt an intense power growing from the woman, and braced herself for impact, raising magical shields—realizing that she still had a little left over magical knowledge from Greta's father. As the magic bashed up against Bonnie's shields, Bonnie grasped on Greta's 'thread' of magic, and pulled it out of her. She started to build a spell in her mind, and finally shoved the spell back at her.

Bonnie sighed with relief as Greta convulsed.

She wasn't dead, but she'd wish she were.

Bonnie sat up, and stared at the woman next to her, and wondered how someone as pure as Luka had explained to her had turned into this. She never wanted to become her, she thought.

She watched as Greta laid still, breathing steadily.

Bonnie just sat there, not ready for what came next.

And she cried.

XXXX

When Greta came to, Bonnie was driving back to Mystic Falls in the car she'd taken from outside the weird little house Greta had been staying in. Bonnie didn't even turn to the passenger's seat. "How do you feel?"

Greta stared out at the dark night around her. "Who are you? Where am I? Where are you taking me?"

Bonnie shook her head. "I'm Bonnie, and I just saved you from yourself."

"What?" Greta was beginning to freak out. "The last thing I remember is my dad warning me not to go out with . . . someone. I don't even remember."

Bonnie sighed. "This is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I'm so sorry, but your dad and your brother Luka—they're dead. And it's also not the same year it was when you went to sleep last night. And—" Bonnie went on and on.

Bonnie tried not to feel guilty about wiping Greta's memory clear of so much, but when Bonnie had gone into her head, she'd realized that it was Greta's choice to go out with a guy who'd introduced her into the 'dark side' that had turned her into the girl she was today.

Bonnie just kept driving—cursing the fact that Greta had decided to go so far away from Mystic Falls for her creepy little mind-screwy adventure.

As Bonnie pulled into her driveway she wondered why she hadn't realized sooner what was wrong with the dream world she'd been in. Damon had been so . . . nice to her. And Caroline was still dating Matt, but apparently might be unsure of that—Bonnie had no idea how much was truth and how much was imagination anymore. She set Greta up in the guest room and sat down at her kitchen table, and realized she'd never be able to look at it the same way again.

Her face turned incredibly red and she took out her phone, which she'd found in Greta's things.

She looked down at it, unsure who to call, who to text, what to say.

She went through her contact list, and breathed deeply before pressing send.

"Hey, it's Bonnie. I—I need you."


	7. Chapter 7

"I love you," Bonnie said—more than a little afraid of what the response would be.

Elena just stepped forward, wrapping her up in a hug. "I love you too, and I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too," Bonnie said softly, burying her head in her friend's neck.

The first person she'd called had been Caroline. She'd told her everything quickly. Bonnie hadn't wanted to do anything other than sleep, but Caroline had rushed over, making sure she was okay, informing her that she wasn't going to let her out of her sight for a while. She'd then proceeded to call every person she'd known, and most of them had hurried over to Bonnie's house.

Bonnie was truly grateful that her father was too busy to be at home, looking after her, or this could have been an awkward situation. Apparently she'd been sleep-dreaming because of Greta for two weeks, about the same time that had taken place in her dream, weirdly enough.

Bonnie didn't want to think about that overly much though, so she pushed it out of her mind. And when Elena and Stefan had knocked on her front door, she'd opened it up, and her declaration of love had been the first thing to come out of her mouth.

Bonnie finally pulled away and realized that she and Elena were both crying. "I'm so sorry about everything, about Jeremy."

Elena looked so sad and distraught, Bonnie thought her heart would break. Elena didn't say anything, just seemed to collapse against Stefan, who nudged her into the house after a quick invitation from Bonnie.

XXXX

An hour or so later Bonnie was deep into her explanation of—almost—everything that had happened to her. The sex dreams, and everything having to do with Damon was avoided with a little careful verbal maneuvering. But Bonnie did not miss the odd stare that he seemed to be sending her.

"And so, I made a choice. Her memories are pretty much gone, with the knowledge that her father left me. I—" Bonnie stopped for a moment. "I don't know what comes next, but I think we need to get her help."

Stefan nodded. "I know a witch who might be of some help."

"You always know a witch," Damon smirked.

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Stefan. I don't want her to spend any more time here than she has to."

"I'll get right on it," Stefan turned to Elena. "Do you mind if I—"

Elena nodded. "Go ahead."

Bonnie sighed, leaning back against her couch tiredly.

Elena started to move across the room, to sit by Bonnie's side, but then Caroline reached out a hand to stop her. "I think she needs to be alone," she said softly, so that just she could hear it—but of course she wasn't the only one.

Matt sighed at that moment. "I think it's time I got home," he stepped forward, giving Bonnie a hug, patting her back. "I'm here if you need me," he offered.

"Thanks," she whispered back.

Bonnie pulled away, and everyone started to make their way out—minus Caroline, Tyler and Damon.

"I need to talk to her," Damon said softly to Caroline.

Caroline shook her head. "No, I'm going to stay to make sure she's okay, and to wait for Stefan to get back, but you need to stay away from her, you'll only upset her."

Bonnie had mentioned her dreams—that she'd been connected to them all through the spell, and Damon wanted to know—he needed to know—exactly how real his dreams had been. But Damon realized that Caroline was not going to budge, so he just nodded and disappeared after a look to see that Bonnie had fallen asleep.

Caroline grabbed a blanket from the hall closet, covering her friend, smiling slightly, glad to have her back. "I missed you, Bonnie. I was so worried. You're my best friend, and I need you." She sighed, then walked into the kitchen to grab some coffee.

"Tyler—" Caroline realized. "I thought you were going to leave. You were so distant at the funeral, and then with everything with Bonnie—"

Tyler interrupted her. "I wanted to make sure that Bonnie was okay, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay."

Caroline fought the smile that threatened to bloom over her face. "I think we'll all get through it. We have to."

Tyler nodded. "I know. I just—I'm sorry, Caroline. For everything."

Caroline raised an eyebrow, and Tyler briefly thought that she was spending way too much time with Damon, because she'd picked up that weird eye thing.

"When I got the phone call about Jeremy, I just—there was a time when he reached out to me, when he offered me friendship, and I turned him down."

Caroline just sat there, waiting for him to continue.

"I had to come back, and I realized—I realized that when I left, I was running away. But after traveling around for months, I've finally realized where I belong. Here."

Caroline placed her hand on his. "It's nice to have you back."

Tyler stared right into her eyes. "It's nice to be back."

"Oh god, just make out already," Bonnie said loudly from the living room.

Caroline started to giggle, but then Tyler leaned forward, capturing her lips with his own, stifling the giggle.

XXXX

The next day Bonnie said goodbye to Greta, entrusting her to Stefan's care, and then she just stood there, as if she were waiting for something.

She didn't know what, she just felt like everything was so surreal, she didn't know what to feel, didn't know how to feel anymore.

She took a moment, breathing deeply, trying to let everything sink in.

She needed to breathe. She needed to think. She was just so—she was just so tired.

After everything with Jeremy—after all the dreams, and all of her confusion, she felt a dull sort of pain.

Everything just hurt.

She sighed, then moved back into her house, shutting the door behind her.

Food, she decided. She needed food.

XXXX

After a nearly coma-inducing breakfast, Bonnie went outside, needing—needing something. She needed fresh air.

She was just so tired. She felt like she needed to do something—but she couldn't figure out what.

But then she knew.

She saw a field of flowers and picked some with great intensity before heading over to where she needed to be.

XXXX

She sat down near the headstone, tracing her fingers along his name. "I miss you already," she said.

"I know," she heard his voice, and she snapped around, but he wasn't there. She felt her stomach drop, and her heart clench. For a moment she'd just hoped. She'd hoped.

"Jeremy, please don't leave me." She looked down at her hands, as if somehow there should have been a spell she could cast, or something she could do to make this make more sense.

She couldn't quite feel the full extent of her pain, she felt like it was a few steps removed, as if somehow it had happened a lot longer ago than it actually had.

"Bonnie, I needed to make sure you were okay, but now I have to leave," his voice seemed to whisper around her.

"Elena—"

"Elena will be fine. You'll all be fine."

"I don't want to be fine without you," she insisted.

Jeremy seemed to sigh, "Bonnie, you don't have to feel guilty. I just—I wanted to take your pain away, so I did."

Bonnie's eyes widened. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you, and because—because we wouldn't have been together forever anyway, so you shouldn't blame yourself for the rest of your life because of that. It's okay to let go."

"I'm sorry," she said. "About you dying, about my dreams." About sleeping with Damon. She didn't need to say it.

"It's okay," Jeremy said simply. "You're going to have to move on eventually."

Bonnie felt tears trickle down her cheeks, "I'm not ready." She felt a sharp fear slice into her. She wasn't ready to move on, she wasn't ready to do anything, she wasn't even ready enough to talk to Damon, or to figure out why he'd been the person she'd chosen to comfort her in her dreams.

Jeremy spoke again, cutting into her panicked thoughts, "You will be, one day. But don't be afraid. Live your life, be happy."

"Jeremy—I wish that—" She didn't know what she wished.

"Don't. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be."

Bonnie felt the wind around her swirl, and then it stilled.

She was alone.


End file.
